Happy Birthday, My Sweet Victoria

Today, I should be holding her. I should be counting her tiny fingers, and toes. I should be crying tears of joy, instead of these tears filled with so much pain. I should be kissing her small face, and asking God to keep her safe forever.. Instead, I just feel as though I've lost her all over again.

I like to think that I've holding it together pretty well lately, but its days like today that just seems to crush me. Thinking about holding my sweet new baby girl today, when all I have are her ashes feels like I'm waking up in a nightmare. Nobody should ever feel this pain. Ever.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew my life would never be the same; I just hadn't imagined it this way.

Victoria, even though I may not hold you in my arms today, I will forever carry you in my heart. You are so loved, and so deeply missed. We cherish every part of you.

Daily Scripture 

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” -Galatians 6:2 

Holding On To Hope

I've got to say, for the past week I've been doing anything but holding on to hope. This past Friday was an extremely hard day for me.

Facing reminders sometimes is the hardest thing for me. It's the simple things; sometimes even the stupid things that seem to hurt the most.

I rarely venture into our basement for anything, other than laundry. It's like my body is programed to walk straight to the back corner, without looking at the surrounds. I hadn't really noticed this until a couple weekends ago. DH was downstairs, in what I like to call his "man corner", and Little Miss wanted to down down and hang out with him. Can't say I blame her. Bored, I decided to follow.

Over the past couple years since Little Miss was born, her outgrown toys, clothes, and even  furniture all went to the basement for the next time. A few months before I found out I was pregnant with baby Victoria, DH and I decided that it was time to get rid of most of the items. It saddened me, but I knew it needed to be done. I remember a discussion we had about the baby swing, and the high chair. Oh how I loved that swing, and that beautiful wooden high chair. I made it very clear that I didn't want to part with those items, but after long discussion, and some tears, we decided it was time. I decided to try to sell what I could, and donate what I couldn't. This was hard. I took pictures, decided on prices, but never found the time to list them. This went on for quite sometime, and nothing moved.

Then out of the blue, much to our surprise, I was pregnant. On the drive home that night from the hospital when I found out I was pregnant, I clearly remember being so incredibly over-joyed that we hadn't sold the swing, or that sweet high chain.

Even months after we lost baby Victoria, the high chair stayed in the corner of the kitchen. We were so used to having it there, that we barely even noticed it anymore. Last Friday, I noticed it. Staring at it I will filled with anger, and sadness. I sat down at the computer moments later, and put it up for sale. I listed it for more than I expected anyone would want to pay. Maybe that was just me hoping it wouldn't sell. 20 minutes after posting it, someone had claimed it. Later that day, it was picked up, and gone. I couldn't help by cry. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a ridiculous attachment to a high chair; to me it just giving up. Even DH was affected by it. I prayed that night that I'd regret it soon.

On Saturday morning, I woke up swollen, sore and engorged. I was lactating. I immediately knew that it was impossible for me to be pregnant due to my cycle. This had happened to me a couple times before, but not this bad. Annoyed with my body (a constant occurrence) I immediately got on the computer and started trying to figure out why this was happening.

In my research, I discovered that it was a more common thing that anyone would expect. It usually means that your prolactin levels are elevated. Prolactin is a hormone that is released from the pituitary gland, that stimulates milk production after childbirth. As I kept reading, my heart slowly began to fill with hope. Prolactin doesn't just cause your body to to produce milk; It effects ovulation, and menstrual cycles - thus resulting in infertility. It has also been found in a few studies that found elevated prolactin levels in women with multiple miscarriages. Could this be the answer I have been searching for?

I anxiously waited for Monday to come so that I could call my fertility doctor right away. On Monday I also had my final blood test in my fertility testing (which actually just checks to see if you've ovulated). When I finally spoke with my doctors assistant, I asked if a test had been done to check my prolactin levels; it had been done the month before - with permission from my doctor, her assistant told me that my levels were in fact quite high. Tears of joy fell from my eyes. She couldn't discuss anything further over the phone, so I have a scheduled appointment on Thursday ( TWO DAYS!!), to get my testing results. Normally they'd wait for my final test, but it's quite evident that because I'm lactating, I didn't ovulate this month.

All that being said, I have my hope back. If this is the cause for the struggles we've had, it's easily treated with medication that can actually increase fertility. Of course I know that our struggles could be deeper than that, so I'm holding on to a guarded hope right now; I'll take that though, it's better than no hope at all.

Blessed

Sometimes miracles arrive so tiny

that we cannot feel the weight of them - and yet

we are still changed and we are 

blessed none the less...

                               -Anonymous

Big. Fat. Negative.

I can't describe how much one tiny little line on a stupid home pregnancy test can do to an already broken heart. Unless you've been there yourself, you can't even imagine it.

My cycle still isn't perfectly on track. It's slowly getting there. However, because I never know whether I'm actually late or not, each month is just a guessing game. Normally I can tell when it's close, but this month I couldn't. At all, & that gave me hope. Stupid stupid hope. I know better than that. 

I have to be honest; Dh & I have set aside "trying". In fact we haven't even discussed it all that much. We never really went out of our way to "try" - we always said whatever happens happens. Too bad it just rarely ever happens, and when it does, it mostly ends in utter heartbreak. I don't know why I had hope this month. It's been a very long time since I've had that kind of hope. Even with my most recent pregnancy; I was 6 days late and yelling at my body. How could I have a baby if my cycle was all over the place? How dare it be off schedule. I'll never forget feeling those tears pour down my face when the doctor told me that I was pregnant. My heart nearly pounding out of my chest out of pure joy and excitement. My hands were shaking and I could barely speak when I told my husband. Already I had surpassed my other pregnancies, I felt almost invincible. To bad I wasn't.

I honestly feel that all hope is gone. I'm so hurt, angry and frustrated. I'm literally scared to become pregnant again; I don't know that I could deal with another loss like this. It's just too painful. Months later,  I'm still crying myself to sleep, and clinging to the ultrasound pictures from when I could clearly see my sweet baby's  heart beating..

I have yet to go in for my test results in regards to the infertility/miscarriage testing. I had an appointment on the 6th, but had to reschedule because they screwed up on my day 24 blood tests. I'll now have to go at the end of the month.

Much to my surprise, this weekend when DH was home, he pulled me aside and said we really needed to talk about something. Of course my mind was racing, as I'm sure any woman does when a man says those words. He asked me what I was willing to do in order to have another child. We had never really discussed this before. It was never my intention to undergo any fertility treatments; I just assumed he had felt the same way. Poor guy. Tears in his eyes, he asked me to consider it. His heart is just as broken as mine; that's something I rarely even think about through this grief, and I feel so selfish for that. He just seems so strong and together all the time, that it's hard to think about him being in such pain. He rarely talks about our babies, and anytime I bring it up, he quickly changes the subject. I hate that he is hurting so much when there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it; no matter how much I try. All I can do is pray. It just doesn't seem like that's enough right now..

Lake On The Mountain.. {July 2nd}

{It's taken me a little while to get to this post, but here it is!}

Coming up to this day, I will filled with excitement, and fear. There was a part of me that didn't want to go, but at the same time I couldn't seem to get there fast enough.

As I explained in my last post, last weekend was the weekend that we had planned to spread Victoria's ashes, however we decided to hold off until we felt a little more "ready"; Whatever that means..

I can't explain the connection I have to that place. I went there for the first time with DH, who was my boyfriend then,  when we were barely 16, & 17. It's always been a special place for us, especially when our family began to grow. I had my first miscarriage in that town, and I remember finding peace in this beautiful place.

With our most recent loss, it was never a question as to where we would spread her ashes. A discussion wasn't even necessary. We decided to make a trip there that weekend anyways..

When we arrived, the sun was shining, just as it always had when we'd visited in the past. There were a lot more people there than I had ever seen, and this really saddened me; I just wanted to be alone. We played around with Little Miss for a while, she always loves dipping her feet into the water; can't say I blame her. We also got some photos, as usual.

Out of nowhere, dark clouds rolled in, and with them came thunder and rain. At first, I felt so disappointed. I wanted this to be special. I then noticed everyone else running to their cars and driving away to avoid the rain storm coming in. I didn't move. Suddenly relief swept over me. I was alone, and the warm rain on my face was hiding the tears that were falling. I hadn't realized how much I needed the rain right then, but I'm sure someone did.

I left that day, feeling a sense of relief. I'm still dreading the day we spread her ashes, but I know that in time, maybe one day I'll be ready.

Photo was taking last year - This is where I stood in the rain, staring out onto the beautiful lake

This Military Life..

Today I find myself feeling extremely frustrated, sad, & angry. Yesterday we found out where our next posting is, and despite everything we were told, and hoped for, we got the exact opposite. We knew that out choice wasn't set in stone, but we would have given anything to at least stay in the same province.

I always said that I would never be that wife that cried about postings. I always said I would gladly follow my husband anywhere with a smile on my face, but last night, I couldn't help but cry myself to sleep.

The posting we wanted was a 45 minute drive away from where we intend to release the baby's ashes, and have our balloon release for our other babies. I had so much comfort in knowing that I could go to that peaceful place whenever I wanted.

This weekend was supposed to be the weekend. I'll be meeting DH there to spend the long weekend at our family cottage.  I had to ask him last night, over text of course, if he was ready. He told me that he would prefer to wait until the end of the summer. Tears immediately fell from me eyes. Such relief. I'm so not ready for this.

Don't get me wrong; I know those ashes are not my baby. I know that my sweet child is in heaven, in the arms of God. I don't know why though, buy I've recently contemplated holding onto the ashes. I can't explain it. Maybe I suddenly feel attached because it's all I have left to hang onto? Oh I don't know.

Another huge thing weighing on my heart, is losing my doctors. I have such wonderful doctors now, and I've waited so long for them. I'm finally starting to get answers.. or at least I was..

All that aside, I'm still completely dreading this posting. Our posting is out East - where I am from, and where my family is. Most people would be happy about this, I however, am not. My family & I have had our fair share of struggles, and to be quite honest, I don't want to raise my daughter near them. Granted, I will be far enough away that they can't just pop in whenever, but it is still too close for comfort.

I have faith knowing that God knows what he is doing. Give me some time, and I'll be fine with this, but right now, I'm going to whine & stomp my feet for a little while...

and naturally, this would be today's scripture..

"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, 

but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.” 

-Leviticus 19:18

Fathers Day

“Sing to God, sing in praise of his name, extol him who rides on the clouds; rejoice before him—his name is the LORD. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” -Psalm 68:4-5