Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Well.. Here It Is..

I really don't even know how I should write, or even start this post. I've been wanting to write it for quite some time now, but the words don't write themselves, and they certainly aren't easy ones to type.

In the past I've hinted about out struggles when it comes to having children. I always refer to our precious daughter as our little miracle, and every now and then, I'll even mention how long it took for us to finally have her. Well, to those wondering, here are the details. Very few people know them, and I've even managed to keep most of this from our families. Why have I kept quiet for all these years? Honestly, because (and I know I'm not the only one..) I have felt ashamed, and broken; Like I was less of a woman because I can't have children as easily as most women.

When my husband and I got married, at barely 18 & 19, we decided to leave our hands in God's and trust in His timing when it came to having children. I had always known that I wasn't "normal" and knew that babies wouldn't come easily for us, so it wasn't a difficult decision for us to make. Of course, we didn't share this with many people because of our age. Seriously though, what would you say to someone married at 18 about having kids? Don't worry, we heard it all anyways, despite keeping our plans to ourselves.

In June 2008, I had my first miscarriage. I was so shocked. I mean, I knew this sort of thing happened, but, to me? I did my fair share of research, and found out that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. At the time, this fact helped me get through it. We really weren't sure how to handle the situation, and kept it to ourselves. How do you even bring that up in conversation? "Hi there, just wanted to let you know that I was pregnant, but now I'm not..." Not exactly something that just pops out of your mouth.

At this point we were starting to get frustrated, and scared that we'd never be blessed with children. This was extremely hard to face, and weighed heavily on out hearts. The following year, in April I was hospitalized due to a ruptured ovarian cyst. This is when a very kind doctor told me that my chances of conceiving were slim to none. Pure devastation. I had suspected it all along, but never did I want to hear those words. He said that my first miscarriage had probably been the result of my body rejecting the pregnancy. How's that for feeling broken?

Much to our surprise, just two weeks after hearing those words, two little pink lines showed up on a home pregnancy test. With a much guarded hope, the weeks & months passed wonderfully. 9 months later, our precious darling daughter was born. What a sweet, perfect little blessing.

We laughed, naive, thinking our struggles were over. We had been given an amazing gift; a perfect little miracle! We thought we were invincible. That bubble was burst months after our daughter was born, when I had a second miscarriage. Then, months after that, the third. I assumed my body just wasn't ready yet. Again, we kept to ourselves.

I had found comfort in talking to others in similar situations. It was nice to openly discuss my angel babies with others, and the pain, anger, and frustration that goes along with it. I felt to ashamed to tell anyone who hadn't shared similar experiences. What if they'd think it was because of something I did wrong? What if they looked at me like I was less of a woman because of it? What if my family looked down on my for not being able to provide my husband with children? I just didn't know how to handle those thoughts..

In October of 2011, I had my 4th miscarriage.  I can honestly tell you that this didn't come as a surprise to us.

There isn't really much more to say about our 5th loss. My heart is still aching, just as it does for all of our children in heaven. I just had so much hope this time around. It seemed like we were being blessed with a second miracle when things progressed so well.. Never had I before been able to see my babies via Ultrasound, other than with little Miss, let alone see a wonderful little heart beating. So far, this has been the worst for us. While they have all been painful, I feel as though this time around we've completely lost hope. I don't think I have the strength to go through this again. Only God knows if I'll ever have another child, but all we can do is pray.

I'll never be able to meet or hold my babies on this side of Heaven, but I miss them with each passing day.
“For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all people. This has now been witnessed to at the proper time.” -1 Timothy 2:5-6 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Struggling

Today I find myself struggling. There is no simpler way to put it. My heart is aching; I feel lonely, sad, and frustrated. I guess that sums up most days lately though..
This morning I said goodbye to my other half. He'll be home every now & then, but he wont be home for good, for another 5 months. That alone brings on so many uncontrollable emotions.

That being said, tonight I'll be praying for peace, and comfort. The good man upstairs surely knows I could use both of those right now.
“For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him,” 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Heartbroken

There are simply no words to describe this pain and anguish. Today is what should have been a wonderful day. A day to celebrate a wonderful new life. The Mr. & I were hoping to announce that Little Miss was finally going to become a big sister. What wonderful news to share.

Last Monday, we had seen a perfect growing baby, with a breathtaking little heartbeat. Just a few days later, that was all taken away from us.

What seems like ages ago now, we found out the wonderful news. I had never really prepared myself to hear those words again, after all, Little Miss was our miracle. That poor doctor must have thought I was absolutely insane when I burst into tears, barely even able to say two words. The amount of joy that filled my heart when I shared the news with my husband was simply amazing. It was perfect. The timing was wonderful. He would finish his training in August, we'd move in September, and be blessed with a new baby in October. However, life can change in an instant.

A few days after finding out the news, I was back in the hospital with severe abdominal pain. Fearing the worst, I prepared myself. I was told it was possibly a tubal pregnancy. Reduced to nothing but tears, I had to wait until the following day for an emergency ultrasound. The ultrasound didn't show much, but it did prove that baby was where he or she should be. So much comfort to an aching heart. The kind doctor requested to have my monitored every 48 hours afterwords to see if my hormone levels were increasing as they should. My levels were increasing, slowly but surely. A second ultrasound proved baby was growing well, and right on time. Our joy began to grow, and our hearts were filled with so much excitement. By this time I was already experiencing morning sickness, extreme fatigue, and even had a rash on my arm that I had only ever had during my pregnancy with Alivia. You know, the little things that make it all seem more real. Later, a third ultrasound would show a perfect little heartbeat. Tears filled my eyes as we watched in awe; That tiny miraculous being was growing inside me. What sweet perfection.

Two days later, through the night, that was all taken from us.

I have a long way to come before I can say that I'm "okay". Our hearts are aching, but we continue to push through each day. What other choice do we have? Maybe one day we'll be blessed with another miracle. Only God knows, so until then, we'll continue to trust in Him.
There is no foot print so small that it does not leave an imprint on this world, or in out hearts. 
Rest in perfect peace my sweet angel.