I Will Carry You..

I can't put into words how bad my heart aching today. Just when I feel like I'm going to be okay, my emotions get the best of me, and I turn into a blubbering fool. Yesterday while driving home from doing the groceries, I had to pull over & stop the car. It's amazing what simple words in a song on the radio can do to a broken heart..

A friend sent me a link to this song today. Head in my hands, I cried for a good hour. My sweet princess came to my side and gently rubbed my shoulders while holding onto me. I honestly don't know where I'd be without that precious smile of hers.. She is my biggest reason to believe in miracles..

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Today I got the call from the Fertility Center 2 hours from home. While this is an answered prayer, I feel like the journey ahead of us will still be a hard one. Amidst everything, I still continue to pray for answers, hope, and strength..

Hard Days, & Even Harder Decisions

Fair warning; this will be an extremely difficult post for me to write. Please excuse any spelling or grammar errors, as I don't know whether or not I'll be able to read it over.

Today I decided to do something that we've been putting of for over a month now. I knew it would be hard, and oh boy, was it ever. These are the kind of days where I wish the Mr. could be home with me. I never imagined I'd have to do this, let alone having to do it by myself. Putting it off was very easy, but facing it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

After we lost our precious baby last month, we knew we had to do something with the remains. Simply discarding our child as "medical waste" or having a mass burial through the hospital was not an option whatsoever. After thinking long and hard, we came to agreement that cremation seemed like the best idea for us. After calling around to several funeral homes, I was thankful to find a select few that would not charge for services when cremating a baby, but they were all out of town. Just typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I did manage to find one locally though..

Let me back track a little - A week or so before our loss, a friend and I went driving so I could practice for my road test, since I needed to get my license before the Mr. left. While trying to read the hand-drawn map of the route, I managed to get a little off track, and ended turning around in a funeral home parking lot that I had no idea existed. Remembering that beautiful Victorian building, I decided I'd give them a call. I'm glad that I did - Not that any person would be "glad" in this position..

I spoke with the Director a couple weeks ago, but still managed to put off going through with anything. He had such a kind, caring voice. He was so understanding of our loss. I know that this is their job, but he genuinely cared about our grief, and went out of his way to help me.

Today I decided that I needed to go in and make arrangements for the cremation, and pick out an urn. My heart aches just thinking about it.

When I walked into the beautiful building, I felt so overwhelmed. I had no idea where to go, and of course, I couldn't remember the name of the man I had spoken with. I couldn't help but notice how beautifully decorated it was, and the beautiful fountain that greeted me at the front door.

After wandering around for a minute or so, I was greeted by a kind face, as soon as he spoke, I know that was who I was looking for. I simply said, "We spoke a couple weeks ago in regards to cremation.." He looked at me with sad eyes, and said "Let me take you to my office, Melissa.". He remembered my name; just like that. Tears immediately started running down my face. We sat down and discussed what would happen, and then I was taken to pick out an urn.

I can't even put into words how walking into that room made me feel. Tiny caskets and urns filled a small wall; just the sight of it knocked the wind out of me. I immediately noticed a beautiful little pewter urn, with lovely simple engravings on it, and room to have anything else engraved on it, should we desire. I knew it was the one. I knew my husband would be happy with my decision, but I used the fact that I needed his approval as an excuse to put off buying it. The thought of having to bring it home, and wait just devastated me. Nobody should ever have to purchase an urn that tiny...

Needless to say, today has been an emotional one. I'm exhausted, and really just need a hug from my husband..

What Not To Say..

A few weeks ago while searching forums for dealing with grief, I came across a website, with 10 things you should never say to a miscarriage survivor. You can find that article, here.
As much as I hate to say it, I've heard them all, and more.

The two comments that really irk me, are numbers 2, and 9. "Be grateful for the children you have" or "At least you have kids". These comments could easily result with someone having a black eye. Fair warning. Yes, I am extremely grateful for my precious daughter; I literally wake up each morning and thank God for such an amazing gift. After the struggle we had to finally have her, I don't take a moment with her for granted. Before we were blessed with her, I did struggle with the thought of never having children. Being told it was next to impossible, didn't leave much hope. I can honestly tell you that seeing women with children, or pregnant women made my heart ache. I was jealous, angry, and sometimes quite bitter. I can completely understand how someone with fertility struggles can think "well, at least you have a child.." - That being said, that doesn't change that fact that my other babies are not with me. Each day I find myself wondering what they'd be like or who they'd look like. I wonder what my life would be like if they had be given the chance to walk on this earth, so I could hold their tiny little hands. My heart aches for them, constantly. Not a day goes by that I don't think what if..

Then there is number 9. As the original poster said, you NEVER get used to it. Ever. That's it, that's all.

Fact of the matter is, people just don't know how to react. I posted the link on Facebook to share, and comment prompted the question, 'Whatshould you say?" Well, just think for a moment.. What would you say to a woman who lost her 2 month old baby, 5 year old, or 20 year old? You'd say "I am sorry for your loss.". That's what you should say. Don't ever call that woman's child a fetus, don't ever comment on how far along she was, or ask, and goodness gracious, don't you eversay any of the 10 things posted in that article.

Don't treat it like a taboo subject; don't avoid bringing it up, because you'll end up making her feel like it's making you uncomfortable; like it doesn't matter. Most of time, you'll find that she just wants to talk and share her feelings. Listen, and be a friend. Offer compassion, and a prayer. It's really that easy...