Fair warning; this will be an extremely difficult post for me to write. Please excuse any spelling or grammar errors, as I don't know whether or not I'll be able to read it over.
Today I decided to do something that we've been putting of for over a month now. I knew it would be hard, and oh boy, was it ever. These are the kind of days where I wish the Mr. could be home with me. I never imagined I'd have to do this, let alone having to do it by myself. Putting it off was very easy, but facing it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
After we lost our precious baby last month, we knew we had to do something with the remains. Simply discarding our child as "medical waste" or having a mass burial through the hospital was not an option whatsoever. After thinking long and hard, we came to agreement that cremation seemed like the best idea for us. After calling around to several funeral homes, I was thankful to find a select few that would not charge for services when cremating a baby, but they were all out of town. Just typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I did manage to find one locally though..
Let me back track a little - A week or so before our loss, a friend and I went driving so I could practice for my road test, since I needed to get my license before the Mr. left. While trying to read the hand-drawn map of the route, I managed to get a little off track, and ended turning around in a funeral home parking lot that I had no idea existed. Remembering that beautiful Victorian building, I decided I'd give them a call. I'm glad that I did - Not that any person would be "glad" in this position..
Today I decided to do something that we've been putting of for over a month now. I knew it would be hard, and oh boy, was it ever. These are the kind of days where I wish the Mr. could be home with me. I never imagined I'd have to do this, let alone having to do it by myself. Putting it off was very easy, but facing it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
After we lost our precious baby last month, we knew we had to do something with the remains. Simply discarding our child as "medical waste" or having a mass burial through the hospital was not an option whatsoever. After thinking long and hard, we came to agreement that cremation seemed like the best idea for us. After calling around to several funeral homes, I was thankful to find a select few that would not charge for services when cremating a baby, but they were all out of town. Just typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I did manage to find one locally though..
Let me back track a little - A week or so before our loss, a friend and I went driving so I could practice for my road test, since I needed to get my license before the Mr. left. While trying to read the hand-drawn map of the route, I managed to get a little off track, and ended turning around in a funeral home parking lot that I had no idea existed. Remembering that beautiful Victorian building, I decided I'd give them a call. I'm glad that I did - Not that any person would be "glad" in this position..
Today I decided that I needed to go in and make arrangements for the cremation, and pick out an urn. My heart aches just thinking about it.
When I walked into the beautiful building, I felt so overwhelmed. I had no idea where to go, and of course, I couldn't remember the name of the man I had spoken with. I couldn't help but notice how beautifully decorated it was, and the beautiful fountain that greeted me at the front door.
After wandering around for a minute or so, I was greeted by a kind face, as soon as he spoke, I know that was who I was looking for. I simply said, "We spoke a couple weeks ago in regards to cremation.." He looked at me with sad eyes, and said "Let me take you to my office, Melissa.". He remembered my name; just like that. Tears immediately started running down my face. We sat down and discussed what would happen, and then I was taken to pick out an urn.
I can't even put into words how walking into that room made me feel. Tiny caskets and urns filled a small wall; just the sight of it knocked the wind out of me. I immediately noticed a beautiful little pewter urn, with lovely simple engravings on it, and room to have anything else engraved on it, should we desire. I knew it was the one. I knew my husband would be happy with my decision, but I used the fact that I needed his approval as an excuse to put off buying it. The thought of having to bring it home, and wait just devastated me. Nobody should ever have to purchase an urn that tiny...
Needless to say, today has been an emotional one. I'm exhausted, and really just need a hug from my husband..
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