This Military Life..

Today I find myself feeling extremely frustrated, sad, & angry. Yesterday we found out where our next posting is, and despite everything we were told, and hoped for, we got the exact opposite. We knew that out choice wasn't set in stone, but we would have given anything to at least stay in the same province.

I always said that I would never be that wife that cried about postings. I always said I would gladly follow my husband anywhere with a smile on my face, but last night, I couldn't help but cry myself to sleep.

The posting we wanted was a 45 minute drive away from where we intend to release the baby's ashes, and have our balloon release for our other babies. I had so much comfort in knowing that I could go to that peaceful place whenever I wanted.

This weekend was supposed to be the weekend. I'll be meeting DH there to spend the long weekend at our family cottage.  I had to ask him last night, over text of course, if he was ready. He told me that he would prefer to wait until the end of the summer. Tears immediately fell from me eyes. Such relief. I'm so not ready for this.

Don't get me wrong; I know those ashes are not my baby. I know that my sweet child is in heaven, in the arms of God. I don't know why though, buy I've recently contemplated holding onto the ashes. I can't explain it. Maybe I suddenly feel attached because it's all I have left to hang onto? Oh I don't know.

Another huge thing weighing on my heart, is losing my doctors. I have such wonderful doctors now, and I've waited so long for them. I'm finally starting to get answers.. or at least I was..

All that aside, I'm still completely dreading this posting. Our posting is out East - where I am from, and where my family is. Most people would be happy about this, I however, am not. My family & I have had our fair share of struggles, and to be quite honest, I don't want to raise my daughter near them. Granted, I will be far enough away that they can't just pop in whenever, but it is still too close for comfort.

I have faith knowing that God knows what he is doing. Give me some time, and I'll be fine with this, but right now, I'm going to whine & stomp my feet for a little while...

and naturally, this would be today's scripture..

"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, 

but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.” 

-Leviticus 19:18

Fathers Day

“Sing to God, sing in praise of his name, extol him who rides on the clouds; rejoice before him—his name is the LORD. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” -Psalm 68:4-5

Find Her In Your Dreams..

I came across this beautiful photo, and couldn't help but think of the dream I had of Victoria..

Via CarlyMarie

“But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,” -Philippians 3:20

Carrying On..

Or at least, trying..

I haven't posted in a little while, so I figured it was about time for an update. These past few weeks have been pretty touch and go when it comes to my emotions. Some days I find it all so hard to deal with, and other days I don't even think about this pain at all.

With the medical testing, and procedures I've had done over the past 2 weeks, it has been really hard to put it all out of my head. Just when I start to feel normal again, I'm thrown another very painful reminder. 

My "cycle" has finally returned (I say "cycle" because it seems as though my body has no idea what it's doing anymore), so I am able to start my fertility testing. I've decided to go ahead with all this testing to figure out why it takes so long for us to conceive, and why I am continuing to have miscarriages when we do conceive.

On June 4th, I had to go in for some basic blood tests. This was relatively easy, but nonetheless, my emotions still got the best of me. Then on the 6th, I was scheduled for a baseline ultrasound. I'm really surprised that I didn't think to prepare myself for this. I've had several ultrasounds before, but none this close to a loss. My mind hadn't even gone there, until I was lying there starring at an empty uterus. I could see where my baby had been, and where my baby should have been moving around, bouncing and kicking. Instead I just saw emptiness. Words can't explain the emptiness I felt, not only in my body, but in my heart. I managed to look away and fight the tears. Relief swept over me when the technician told me she was finished. Two days later, on the 8th, I was scheduled in for my hysterosonogram. No matter how much I tried, this was just not something I could prepare myself for. If you're unfamiliar with what that is, you can click the link on the word itself for a detailed explanation. In short, it is a procedure were a doctor inserts a catheter through the cervix, and into the uterus. When inserted, a saline solution is goes through the catheter, into the uterus,  then air bubbles are also released into the uterus. While this is happening, it is being watched through a transvaginal ultrasound. This test is done to make sure there are no blockages anywhere in the uterus, fallopian tubes, or ovaries. 

For me, this test was painful, both physically, and emotionally for obvious reasons. I literally cried on the table; I just can't tell you if it was through the physical or emotional aspect of it. After the procedure was complete, I broke down, and literally cried my eyes out. I had a wonderful ultrasound technician who patiently sat there and held me while the tears poured down my face. When the tears started to subside, I tried to stand up, but found myself to shaky to stand. She helped me sit down while I waited for the cramps to lessen. There was good news though; no blockages, and everything looked great. While that was a good answer, it still didn't provide the answers I so badly want.. Right after that test, it was off to the city hospital for more blood tests. 8 vials of blood later, I was able to go home (I was staying at my in-laws during that week for the help with Little Miss). I sat in bed for most of the day trying to process & recover from what had happened. The painful cramps lasted a good two days before they eased off. On the 25th, I have to go in for more blood tests, and then I'm in the clear for tests until September. In September DH and I will have to go for chromosome testing (just blood work). It's a test that we have to do at the same time, and with him away, that means we just have to wait it out. Once the test is done, we'll be waiting 9 months for the results. I should have my current testing results in early July though! Praying for some answers, or anything that can help up piece together these heartbreaks. 

I'd like to thank anyone who has continually prayed for us during these hard months. I thank God for all of you, everyday!