I always said that I would never be that wife that cried about postings. I always said I would gladly follow my husband anywhere with a smile on my face, but last night, I couldn't help but cry myself to sleep.
The posting we wanted was a 45 minute drive away from where we intend to release the baby's ashes, and have our balloon release for our other babies. I had so much comfort in knowing that I could go to that peaceful place whenever I wanted.
This weekend was supposed to be the weekend. I'll be meeting DH there to spend the long weekend at our family cottage. I had to ask him last night, over text of course, if he was ready. He told me that he would prefer to wait until the end of the summer. Tears immediately fell from me eyes. Such relief. I'm so not ready for this.
Don't get me wrong; I know those ashes are not my baby. I know that my sweet child is in heaven, in the arms of God. I don't know why though, buy I've recently contemplated holding onto the ashes. I can't explain it. Maybe I suddenly feel attached because it's all I have left to hang onto? Oh I don't know.
Another huge thing weighing on my heart, is losing my doctors. I have such wonderful doctors now, and I've waited so long for them. I'm finally starting to get answers.. or at least I was..
All that aside, I'm still completely dreading this posting. Our posting is out East - where I am from, and where my family is. Most people would be happy about this, I however, am not. My family & I have had our fair share of struggles, and to be quite honest, I don't want to raise my daughter near them. Granted, I will be far enough away that they can't just pop in whenever, but it is still too close for comfort.
I have faith knowing that God knows what he is doing. Give me some time, and I'll be fine with this, but right now, I'm going to whine & stomp my feet for a little while...
and naturally, this would be today's scripture..
"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people,
but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.”
I completely understand how you feel about the ashes. It's horrible to think about and even worse to have to deal with, but Dan and I chose to keep Claire's ashes in an urn. the tiniest little urn that I've ever seen. I keep them on the top shelf of my curio cabinet along with her other stuff. we also chose to have some of her ashes put in jewelry. I have a bracelet with diamonds and her birthstone, and Dan has a necklace with her birthstone. that way, some of her can always be with us. I never take my bracelet off, ever. It gives me some peace.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your posting. I knew you were upset but I didn't know the reasoning behind it. Would you consider finding another place to release the balloons?