Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Big. Fat. Negative.

I can't describe how much one tiny little line on a stupid home pregnancy test can do to an already broken heart. Unless you've been there yourself, you can't even imagine it.

My cycle still isn't perfectly on track. It's slowly getting there. However, because I never know whether I'm actually late or not, each month is just a guessing game. Normally I can tell when it's close, but this month I couldn't. At all, & that gave me hope. Stupid stupid hope. I know better than that. 

I have to be honest; Dh & I have set aside "trying". In fact we haven't even discussed it all that much. We never really went out of our way to "try" - we always said whatever happens happens. Too bad it just rarely ever happens, and when it does, it mostly ends in utter heartbreak. I don't know why I had hope this month. It's been a very long time since I've had that kind of hope. Even with my most recent pregnancy; I was 6 days late and yelling at my body. How could I have a baby if my cycle was all over the place? How dare it be off schedule. I'll never forget feeling those tears pour down my face when the doctor told me that I was pregnant. My heart nearly pounding out of my chest out of pure joy and excitement. My hands were shaking and I could barely speak when I told my husband. Already I had surpassed my other pregnancies, I felt almost invincible. To bad I wasn't.

I honestly feel that all hope is gone. I'm so hurt, angry and frustrated. I'm literally scared to become pregnant again; I don't know that I could deal with another loss like this. It's just too painful. Months later,  I'm still crying myself to sleep, and clinging to the ultrasound pictures from when I could clearly see my sweet baby's  heart beating..

I have yet to go in for my test results in regards to the infertility/miscarriage testing. I had an appointment on the 6th, but had to reschedule because they screwed up on my day 24 blood tests. I'll now have to go at the end of the month.

Much to my surprise, this weekend when DH was home, he pulled me aside and said we really needed to talk about something. Of course my mind was racing, as I'm sure any woman does when a man says those words. He asked me what I was willing to do in order to have another child. We had never really discussed this before. It was never my intention to undergo any fertility treatments; I just assumed he had felt the same way. Poor guy. Tears in his eyes, he asked me to consider it. His heart is just as broken as mine; that's something I rarely even think about through this grief, and I feel so selfish for that. He just seems so strong and together all the time, that it's hard to think about him being in such pain. He rarely talks about our babies, and anytime I bring it up, he quickly changes the subject. I hate that he is hurting so much when there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it; no matter how much I try. All I can do is pray. It just doesn't seem like that's enough right now..

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