Holding On To Hope

I've got to say, for the past week I've been doing anything but holding on to hope. This past Friday was an extremely hard day for me.

Facing reminders sometimes is the hardest thing for me. It's the simple things; sometimes even the stupid things that seem to hurt the most.

I rarely venture into our basement for anything, other than laundry. It's like my body is programed to walk straight to the back corner, without looking at the surrounds. I hadn't really noticed this until a couple weekends ago. DH was downstairs, in what I like to call his "man corner", and Little Miss wanted to down down and hang out with him. Can't say I blame her. Bored, I decided to follow.

Over the past couple years since Little Miss was born, her outgrown toys, clothes, and even  furniture all went to the basement for the next time. A few months before I found out I was pregnant with baby Victoria, DH and I decided that it was time to get rid of most of the items. It saddened me, but I knew it needed to be done. I remember a discussion we had about the baby swing, and the high chair. Oh how I loved that swing, and that beautiful wooden high chair. I made it very clear that I didn't want to part with those items, but after long discussion, and some tears, we decided it was time. I decided to try to sell what I could, and donate what I couldn't. This was hard. I took pictures, decided on prices, but never found the time to list them. This went on for quite sometime, and nothing moved.

Then out of the blue, much to our surprise, I was pregnant. On the drive home that night from the hospital when I found out I was pregnant, I clearly remember being so incredibly over-joyed that we hadn't sold the swing, or that sweet high chain.

Even months after we lost baby Victoria, the high chair stayed in the corner of the kitchen. We were so used to having it there, that we barely even noticed it anymore. Last Friday, I noticed it. Staring at it I will filled with anger, and sadness. I sat down at the computer moments later, and put it up for sale. I listed it for more than I expected anyone would want to pay. Maybe that was just me hoping it wouldn't sell. 20 minutes after posting it, someone had claimed it. Later that day, it was picked up, and gone. I couldn't help by cry. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a ridiculous attachment to a high chair; to me it just giving up. Even DH was affected by it. I prayed that night that I'd regret it soon.

On Saturday morning, I woke up swollen, sore and engorged. I was lactating. I immediately knew that it was impossible for me to be pregnant due to my cycle. This had happened to me a couple times before, but not this bad. Annoyed with my body (a constant occurrence) I immediately got on the computer and started trying to figure out why this was happening.

In my research, I discovered that it was a more common thing that anyone would expect. It usually means that your prolactin levels are elevated. Prolactin is a hormone that is released from the pituitary gland, that stimulates milk production after childbirth. As I kept reading, my heart slowly began to fill with hope. Prolactin doesn't just cause your body to to produce milk; It effects ovulation, and menstrual cycles - thus resulting in infertility. It has also been found in a few studies that found elevated prolactin levels in women with multiple miscarriages. Could this be the answer I have been searching for?

I anxiously waited for Monday to come so that I could call my fertility doctor right away. On Monday I also had my final blood test in my fertility testing (which actually just checks to see if you've ovulated). When I finally spoke with my doctors assistant, I asked if a test had been done to check my prolactin levels; it had been done the month before - with permission from my doctor, her assistant told me that my levels were in fact quite high. Tears of joy fell from my eyes. She couldn't discuss anything further over the phone, so I have a scheduled appointment on Thursday ( TWO DAYS!!), to get my testing results. Normally they'd wait for my final test, but it's quite evident that because I'm lactating, I didn't ovulate this month.

All that being said, I have my hope back. If this is the cause for the struggles we've had, it's easily treated with medication that can actually increase fertility. Of course I know that our struggles could be deeper than that, so I'm holding on to a guarded hope right now; I'll take that though, it's better than no hope at all.