The Hardest Decisions

{Posting this warning once again!}

 This will be an extremely difficult post to write, and I will be openly talking about what we went through, and what we did, that was right for us. 

In sharing this, I hope to help others in this position. 

This circumstance is rarely ever talked about, and trying to find answers of the "right thing to do" is extremely difficult. 

In the end, we did what seemed like the best decision for us. While it may not have been yours, it wasn't yours to make. If you've never been in this position, you'd never know what making these decisions feels like, and if you have had to make these decisions, then you know how extremely difficult it is to find the right ones. 

So, before I go on, I kindly ask that you keep any negative comments, or judgements to yourself, as they are not welcome here.

The day after we lost our baby, we knew we had to figure out what we wanted to do with the baby's remains. We had never been in this position with our previous miscarriages, so going over our options was extremely difficult. Deciding what was best for us was even more difficult.

Not knowing what to do, or what our options were, I turned to the only source I knew of that might provide answers - Google. I vividly remember my hands shaking as I typed in the words; What a gut wrenching feeling. 

I searched for what seemed like hours. I discovered that majority of hospitals offer a mass cremation for deceased babies, and either bury them, or spread their ashes throughout some sort of angel garden - I assume I wasn't given this option at our hospital because we were so firm with not wanting them to take our baby. I am still surprised that the doctor didn't even bring it up, though. 

Another option that I noticed a lot of couples opted for was burying their baby in their back yard, with a memorial stone, or garden. We didn't even explore this option; I'm not saying anything against it, it just wasn't for us. We are a military family, no place is really "home" for very long; I couldn't imagine starting a small memorial garden when we'll be moving in the months to come. I read on and discovered that some parents who wanted that option, but couldn't due to living in apartment buildings, decided to bury their baby in a potted plant. Again, this wasn't for us. 

Deep down I knew that I had wanted our baby to be cremated, however I was in fear that if I called around, I would be laughed at, or it just wouldn't be possible, so I continued to search on..

I was extremely sad to see that so many women in my position had been left with no answers. Like me, they were offered the option to "dispose" of the baby, and while not knowing they had other options, said yes. Or, in many cases, women aren't given the decision at all.. Other's also not knowing, simply flushed their babies - again, no judgement, in these situations you're usually in complete shock, if this is something you're going through alone, and have no access to answers, what else could you do? Seriously think about that..

After long hours of searching, and going over options with my husband, he suggested burying the baby at  place that we hold dear in our hearts. While we did explore this option, it just didn't sit well with me. Finally, I decided to call around to funeral homes; surely they have dealt with these situations before.

Some turned me away immediately, saying that there would be nothing left, and that it was impossible. It was so heartbreaking to hear those words. I didn't give up though. I kept calling around to out of town locations, and finally spoke with a wonderful man, who said they not only offered the service, but that they offered it for free. Later I ended up finding a funeral home locally that was associated with the one I had been happy with, and went through them. You can read about that, here, and here.

My husband and I knew right away that we wanted to spread the ashes. Deciding on the location was one of our easier decisions. "Lake on the Mountain Provincial Park" has always held a spot on our hearts. It's simply breath taking. When I was pregnant with Little Miss, that was the place where we took our first maternity photo's, and when she was 17 months old, we went back, and without even realizing it, replicated the photo's. It was our full intention to once again take maternity photo's and watch our family grow through these photo's. 

Sometime this summer when we venture out that way, we'll be going to spread the ashes. I had also decided that we would release 5 white balloons while we were there, but now there will be 4 white, and one pink!