Be Still My Soul..

I may not have had the chance to hold my baby the way I wanted to, here on earth, but I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have held my baby at all. For a very brief moment in my life, I had the chance to love someone, beyond compare without ever seeing their face, or knowing their name. I have had the chance to experience an unconditional love so powerful, that words can't even describe it.
While my heart does still ache for my babies, I know that they are in the arms of God; what better place to be?

This past Friday, I made my final trip to the funeral home. Filled with absolute dread, I didn't sleep the night before. I was incredibly antsy, and very emotional. I've never had to do this before; I didn't know what to expect, or how I would react emotionally at the time. I did prepare myself though, I knew this would be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I woke up Friday morning, showered, put my face on, and did my hair. For some reason, and I certainly can't tell you why, I felt the need to look my best. Don't ask, because I honestly don't have an answer for you.. Put Little Miss in a pretty dress, and we were on our way. No turning back now, right?

Pulling into the long driveway of the funeral home, I felt anxious, and nervous. Much to even my surprise, I held my own. I had to catch my breath when I was handed the tiny urn though; I hadn't remembered just how tiny it really was. When you think about new babies, you think about tiny clothes, and tiny shoes; not tiny urns. It's a devastating thing to even think about. I was then handed a cremation certificate, which I was not expecting at all. Did I really need one more thing saying "Baby McNair"? I quickly put it into the velvet bag, I was given, without even looking at it.

When I got back to the car, my hands were shaking. I felt the need to open the envelope and look at the certificate. It wasn't an easy thing to read. I then took a peak at the urn sitting in the velvet bag, with "March 8, 2012 - Tiny footprints on our hearts" engraved on it, and at that very moment I felt at ease. I can't explain it, nor will I try. I suddenly felt calm & together. I took one last look at the beautiful Victorian funeral home, and felt relief. It was over.

When we arrived home, I did let out a few tears when things finally sunk in, but I wasn't in pain anymore. This summer we intend to release the ashes at a place that we hold dear to us; Our baby is in heaven, there is no need for us to hold on to ashes.

Of course, my heart will always ache for my babies in heaven, but knowing they are with the Lord, eases that pain greatly. One day, I'll have the chance to meet them, give them names, and hold their hands. I can live with that..