Happy Birthday, My Sweet Victoria

Today, I should be holding her. I should be counting her tiny fingers, and toes. I should be crying tears of joy, instead of these tears filled with so much pain. I should be kissing her small face, and asking God to keep her safe forever.. Instead, I just feel as though I've lost her all over again.

I like to think that I've holding it together pretty well lately, but its days like today that just seems to crush me. Thinking about holding my sweet new baby girl today, when all I have are her ashes feels like I'm waking up in a nightmare. Nobody should ever feel this pain. Ever.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew my life would never be the same; I just hadn't imagined it this way.

Victoria, even though I may not hold you in my arms today, I will forever carry you in my heart. You are so loved, and so deeply missed. We cherish every part of you.

Daily Scripture 

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” -Galatians 6:2 

Holding On To Hope

I've got to say, for the past week I've been doing anything but holding on to hope. This past Friday was an extremely hard day for me.

Facing reminders sometimes is the hardest thing for me. It's the simple things; sometimes even the stupid things that seem to hurt the most.

I rarely venture into our basement for anything, other than laundry. It's like my body is programed to walk straight to the back corner, without looking at the surrounds. I hadn't really noticed this until a couple weekends ago. DH was downstairs, in what I like to call his "man corner", and Little Miss wanted to down down and hang out with him. Can't say I blame her. Bored, I decided to follow.

Over the past couple years since Little Miss was born, her outgrown toys, clothes, and even  furniture all went to the basement for the next time. A few months before I found out I was pregnant with baby Victoria, DH and I decided that it was time to get rid of most of the items. It saddened me, but I knew it needed to be done. I remember a discussion we had about the baby swing, and the high chair. Oh how I loved that swing, and that beautiful wooden high chair. I made it very clear that I didn't want to part with those items, but after long discussion, and some tears, we decided it was time. I decided to try to sell what I could, and donate what I couldn't. This was hard. I took pictures, decided on prices, but never found the time to list them. This went on for quite sometime, and nothing moved.

Then out of the blue, much to our surprise, I was pregnant. On the drive home that night from the hospital when I found out I was pregnant, I clearly remember being so incredibly over-joyed that we hadn't sold the swing, or that sweet high chain.

Even months after we lost baby Victoria, the high chair stayed in the corner of the kitchen. We were so used to having it there, that we barely even noticed it anymore. Last Friday, I noticed it. Staring at it I will filled with anger, and sadness. I sat down at the computer moments later, and put it up for sale. I listed it for more than I expected anyone would want to pay. Maybe that was just me hoping it wouldn't sell. 20 minutes after posting it, someone had claimed it. Later that day, it was picked up, and gone. I couldn't help by cry. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a ridiculous attachment to a high chair; to me it just giving up. Even DH was affected by it. I prayed that night that I'd regret it soon.

On Saturday morning, I woke up swollen, sore and engorged. I was lactating. I immediately knew that it was impossible for me to be pregnant due to my cycle. This had happened to me a couple times before, but not this bad. Annoyed with my body (a constant occurrence) I immediately got on the computer and started trying to figure out why this was happening.

In my research, I discovered that it was a more common thing that anyone would expect. It usually means that your prolactin levels are elevated. Prolactin is a hormone that is released from the pituitary gland, that stimulates milk production after childbirth. As I kept reading, my heart slowly began to fill with hope. Prolactin doesn't just cause your body to to produce milk; It effects ovulation, and menstrual cycles - thus resulting in infertility. It has also been found in a few studies that found elevated prolactin levels in women with multiple miscarriages. Could this be the answer I have been searching for?

I anxiously waited for Monday to come so that I could call my fertility doctor right away. On Monday I also had my final blood test in my fertility testing (which actually just checks to see if you've ovulated). When I finally spoke with my doctors assistant, I asked if a test had been done to check my prolactin levels; it had been done the month before - with permission from my doctor, her assistant told me that my levels were in fact quite high. Tears of joy fell from my eyes. She couldn't discuss anything further over the phone, so I have a scheduled appointment on Thursday ( TWO DAYS!!), to get my testing results. Normally they'd wait for my final test, but it's quite evident that because I'm lactating, I didn't ovulate this month.

All that being said, I have my hope back. If this is the cause for the struggles we've had, it's easily treated with medication that can actually increase fertility. Of course I know that our struggles could be deeper than that, so I'm holding on to a guarded hope right now; I'll take that though, it's better than no hope at all.

Blessed

Sometimes miracles arrive so tiny

that we cannot feel the weight of them - and yet

we are still changed and we are 

blessed none the less...

                               -Anonymous

Big. Fat. Negative.

I can't describe how much one tiny little line on a stupid home pregnancy test can do to an already broken heart. Unless you've been there yourself, you can't even imagine it.

My cycle still isn't perfectly on track. It's slowly getting there. However, because I never know whether I'm actually late or not, each month is just a guessing game. Normally I can tell when it's close, but this month I couldn't. At all, & that gave me hope. Stupid stupid hope. I know better than that. 

I have to be honest; Dh & I have set aside "trying". In fact we haven't even discussed it all that much. We never really went out of our way to "try" - we always said whatever happens happens. Too bad it just rarely ever happens, and when it does, it mostly ends in utter heartbreak. I don't know why I had hope this month. It's been a very long time since I've had that kind of hope. Even with my most recent pregnancy; I was 6 days late and yelling at my body. How could I have a baby if my cycle was all over the place? How dare it be off schedule. I'll never forget feeling those tears pour down my face when the doctor told me that I was pregnant. My heart nearly pounding out of my chest out of pure joy and excitement. My hands were shaking and I could barely speak when I told my husband. Already I had surpassed my other pregnancies, I felt almost invincible. To bad I wasn't.

I honestly feel that all hope is gone. I'm so hurt, angry and frustrated. I'm literally scared to become pregnant again; I don't know that I could deal with another loss like this. It's just too painful. Months later,  I'm still crying myself to sleep, and clinging to the ultrasound pictures from when I could clearly see my sweet baby's  heart beating..

I have yet to go in for my test results in regards to the infertility/miscarriage testing. I had an appointment on the 6th, but had to reschedule because they screwed up on my day 24 blood tests. I'll now have to go at the end of the month.

Much to my surprise, this weekend when DH was home, he pulled me aside and said we really needed to talk about something. Of course my mind was racing, as I'm sure any woman does when a man says those words. He asked me what I was willing to do in order to have another child. We had never really discussed this before. It was never my intention to undergo any fertility treatments; I just assumed he had felt the same way. Poor guy. Tears in his eyes, he asked me to consider it. His heart is just as broken as mine; that's something I rarely even think about through this grief, and I feel so selfish for that. He just seems so strong and together all the time, that it's hard to think about him being in such pain. He rarely talks about our babies, and anytime I bring it up, he quickly changes the subject. I hate that he is hurting so much when there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it; no matter how much I try. All I can do is pray. It just doesn't seem like that's enough right now..

Lake On The Mountain.. {July 2nd}

{It's taken me a little while to get to this post, but here it is!}

Coming up to this day, I will filled with excitement, and fear. There was a part of me that didn't want to go, but at the same time I couldn't seem to get there fast enough.

As I explained in my last post, last weekend was the weekend that we had planned to spread Victoria's ashes, however we decided to hold off until we felt a little more "ready"; Whatever that means..

I can't explain the connection I have to that place. I went there for the first time with DH, who was my boyfriend then,  when we were barely 16, & 17. It's always been a special place for us, especially when our family began to grow. I had my first miscarriage in that town, and I remember finding peace in this beautiful place.

With our most recent loss, it was never a question as to where we would spread her ashes. A discussion wasn't even necessary. We decided to make a trip there that weekend anyways..

When we arrived, the sun was shining, just as it always had when we'd visited in the past. There were a lot more people there than I had ever seen, and this really saddened me; I just wanted to be alone. We played around with Little Miss for a while, she always loves dipping her feet into the water; can't say I blame her. We also got some photos, as usual.

Out of nowhere, dark clouds rolled in, and with them came thunder and rain. At first, I felt so disappointed. I wanted this to be special. I then noticed everyone else running to their cars and driving away to avoid the rain storm coming in. I didn't move. Suddenly relief swept over me. I was alone, and the warm rain on my face was hiding the tears that were falling. I hadn't realized how much I needed the rain right then, but I'm sure someone did.

I left that day, feeling a sense of relief. I'm still dreading the day we spread her ashes, but I know that in time, maybe one day I'll be ready.

Photo was taking last year - This is where I stood in the rain, staring out onto the beautiful lake

This Military Life..

Today I find myself feeling extremely frustrated, sad, & angry. Yesterday we found out where our next posting is, and despite everything we were told, and hoped for, we got the exact opposite. We knew that out choice wasn't set in stone, but we would have given anything to at least stay in the same province.

I always said that I would never be that wife that cried about postings. I always said I would gladly follow my husband anywhere with a smile on my face, but last night, I couldn't help but cry myself to sleep.

The posting we wanted was a 45 minute drive away from where we intend to release the baby's ashes, and have our balloon release for our other babies. I had so much comfort in knowing that I could go to that peaceful place whenever I wanted.

This weekend was supposed to be the weekend. I'll be meeting DH there to spend the long weekend at our family cottage.  I had to ask him last night, over text of course, if he was ready. He told me that he would prefer to wait until the end of the summer. Tears immediately fell from me eyes. Such relief. I'm so not ready for this.

Don't get me wrong; I know those ashes are not my baby. I know that my sweet child is in heaven, in the arms of God. I don't know why though, buy I've recently contemplated holding onto the ashes. I can't explain it. Maybe I suddenly feel attached because it's all I have left to hang onto? Oh I don't know.

Another huge thing weighing on my heart, is losing my doctors. I have such wonderful doctors now, and I've waited so long for them. I'm finally starting to get answers.. or at least I was..

All that aside, I'm still completely dreading this posting. Our posting is out East - where I am from, and where my family is. Most people would be happy about this, I however, am not. My family & I have had our fair share of struggles, and to be quite honest, I don't want to raise my daughter near them. Granted, I will be far enough away that they can't just pop in whenever, but it is still too close for comfort.

I have faith knowing that God knows what he is doing. Give me some time, and I'll be fine with this, but right now, I'm going to whine & stomp my feet for a little while...

and naturally, this would be today's scripture..

"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, 

but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.” 

-Leviticus 19:18

Fathers Day

“Sing to God, sing in praise of his name, extol him who rides on the clouds; rejoice before him—his name is the LORD. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” -Psalm 68:4-5

Find Her In Your Dreams..

I came across this beautiful photo, and couldn't help but think of the dream I had of Victoria..

Via CarlyMarie

“But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,” -Philippians 3:20

Carrying On..

Or at least, trying..

I haven't posted in a little while, so I figured it was about time for an update. These past few weeks have been pretty touch and go when it comes to my emotions. Some days I find it all so hard to deal with, and other days I don't even think about this pain at all.

With the medical testing, and procedures I've had done over the past 2 weeks, it has been really hard to put it all out of my head. Just when I start to feel normal again, I'm thrown another very painful reminder. 

My "cycle" has finally returned (I say "cycle" because it seems as though my body has no idea what it's doing anymore), so I am able to start my fertility testing. I've decided to go ahead with all this testing to figure out why it takes so long for us to conceive, and why I am continuing to have miscarriages when we do conceive.

On June 4th, I had to go in for some basic blood tests. This was relatively easy, but nonetheless, my emotions still got the best of me. Then on the 6th, I was scheduled for a baseline ultrasound. I'm really surprised that I didn't think to prepare myself for this. I've had several ultrasounds before, but none this close to a loss. My mind hadn't even gone there, until I was lying there starring at an empty uterus. I could see where my baby had been, and where my baby should have been moving around, bouncing and kicking. Instead I just saw emptiness. Words can't explain the emptiness I felt, not only in my body, but in my heart. I managed to look away and fight the tears. Relief swept over me when the technician told me she was finished. Two days later, on the 8th, I was scheduled in for my hysterosonogram. No matter how much I tried, this was just not something I could prepare myself for. If you're unfamiliar with what that is, you can click the link on the word itself for a detailed explanation. In short, it is a procedure were a doctor inserts a catheter through the cervix, and into the uterus. When inserted, a saline solution is goes through the catheter, into the uterus,  then air bubbles are also released into the uterus. While this is happening, it is being watched through a transvaginal ultrasound. This test is done to make sure there are no blockages anywhere in the uterus, fallopian tubes, or ovaries. 

For me, this test was painful, both physically, and emotionally for obvious reasons. I literally cried on the table; I just can't tell you if it was through the physical or emotional aspect of it. After the procedure was complete, I broke down, and literally cried my eyes out. I had a wonderful ultrasound technician who patiently sat there and held me while the tears poured down my face. When the tears started to subside, I tried to stand up, but found myself to shaky to stand. She helped me sit down while I waited for the cramps to lessen. There was good news though; no blockages, and everything looked great. While that was a good answer, it still didn't provide the answers I so badly want.. Right after that test, it was off to the city hospital for more blood tests. 8 vials of blood later, I was able to go home (I was staying at my in-laws during that week for the help with Little Miss). I sat in bed for most of the day trying to process & recover from what had happened. The painful cramps lasted a good two days before they eased off. On the 25th, I have to go in for more blood tests, and then I'm in the clear for tests until September. In September DH and I will have to go for chromosome testing (just blood work). It's a test that we have to do at the same time, and with him away, that means we just have to wait it out. Once the test is done, we'll be waiting 9 months for the results. I should have my current testing results in early July though! Praying for some answers, or anything that can help up piece together these heartbreaks. 

I'd like to thank anyone who has continually prayed for us during these hard months. I thank God for all of you, everyday! 

The Hardest Decisions

{Posting this warning once again!}

 This will be an extremely difficult post to write, and I will be openly talking about what we went through, and what we did, that was right for us. 

In sharing this, I hope to help others in this position. 

This circumstance is rarely ever talked about, and trying to find answers of the "right thing to do" is extremely difficult. 

In the end, we did what seemed like the best decision for us. While it may not have been yours, it wasn't yours to make. If you've never been in this position, you'd never know what making these decisions feels like, and if you have had to make these decisions, then you know how extremely difficult it is to find the right ones. 

So, before I go on, I kindly ask that you keep any negative comments, or judgements to yourself, as they are not welcome here.

The day after we lost our baby, we knew we had to figure out what we wanted to do with the baby's remains. We had never been in this position with our previous miscarriages, so going over our options was extremely difficult. Deciding what was best for us was even more difficult.

Not knowing what to do, or what our options were, I turned to the only source I knew of that might provide answers - Google. I vividly remember my hands shaking as I typed in the words; What a gut wrenching feeling. 

I searched for what seemed like hours. I discovered that majority of hospitals offer a mass cremation for deceased babies, and either bury them, or spread their ashes throughout some sort of angel garden - I assume I wasn't given this option at our hospital because we were so firm with not wanting them to take our baby. I am still surprised that the doctor didn't even bring it up, though. 

Another option that I noticed a lot of couples opted for was burying their baby in their back yard, with a memorial stone, or garden. We didn't even explore this option; I'm not saying anything against it, it just wasn't for us. We are a military family, no place is really "home" for very long; I couldn't imagine starting a small memorial garden when we'll be moving in the months to come. I read on and discovered that some parents who wanted that option, but couldn't due to living in apartment buildings, decided to bury their baby in a potted plant. Again, this wasn't for us. 

Deep down I knew that I had wanted our baby to be cremated, however I was in fear that if I called around, I would be laughed at, or it just wouldn't be possible, so I continued to search on..

I was extremely sad to see that so many women in my position had been left with no answers. Like me, they were offered the option to "dispose" of the baby, and while not knowing they had other options, said yes. Or, in many cases, women aren't given the decision at all.. Other's also not knowing, simply flushed their babies - again, no judgement, in these situations you're usually in complete shock, if this is something you're going through alone, and have no access to answers, what else could you do? Seriously think about that..

After long hours of searching, and going over options with my husband, he suggested burying the baby at  place that we hold dear in our hearts. While we did explore this option, it just didn't sit well with me. Finally, I decided to call around to funeral homes; surely they have dealt with these situations before.

Some turned me away immediately, saying that there would be nothing left, and that it was impossible. It was so heartbreaking to hear those words. I didn't give up though. I kept calling around to out of town locations, and finally spoke with a wonderful man, who said they not only offered the service, but that they offered it for free. Later I ended up finding a funeral home locally that was associated with the one I had been happy with, and went through them. You can read about that, here, and here.

My husband and I knew right away that we wanted to spread the ashes. Deciding on the location was one of our easier decisions. "Lake on the Mountain Provincial Park" has always held a spot on our hearts. It's simply breath taking. When I was pregnant with Little Miss, that was the place where we took our first maternity photo's, and when she was 17 months old, we went back, and without even realizing it, replicated the photo's. It was our full intention to once again take maternity photo's and watch our family grow through these photo's. 

Sometime this summer when we venture out that way, we'll be going to spread the ashes. I had also decided that we would release 5 white balloons while we were there, but now there will be 4 white, and one pink!

The Morning of March 8th, 2012

Warning; this post is extremely graphic, and will contain triggers.

 This will be an extremely difficult post to write, and I will be openly talking about what we went through, and what we did, that was right for us. 

In sharing this, I hope to help others in this position. 

This circumstance is rarely ever talked about, and trying to find answers of the "right thing to do" is extremely difficult. 

In the end, we did what seemed like the best decision for us. While it may not have been yours, it wasn't yours to make. If you've never been in this position, you'd never know what making these decisions feels like, and if you have had to make these decisions, then you know how extremely difficult it is to find the right ones. 

So, before I go on, I kindly ask that you keep any negative comments, or judgements to yourself, as they are not welcome here.

On Wednesday March 7th, around noon, while having lunch with my family, I suddenly felt intense cramping throughout my belly, and lower back, that literally had me in tears. I was already experiencing intense cramping which had forced me to the hospital a few times already, so I wasn't too concerned. 

Later that evening, DH and I cuddled on the couch to watch a movie together, the cramping continued, but something didn't seem right. Around 10pm I went upstairs to use the bathroom, and noticed that I was bleeding a bit. Panic and worry immediately rushed over me. DH asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, but I assured myself that spotting was common during early pregnancy. I told myself that it was most likely nothing, but prayed nonetheless. Shortly after, we went to bed. 

Morning came, and Little Miss came running down the hall at 6am looking for some morning snuggles. As soon as my eyes opened I knew something was terribly wrong. I rushed to the bathroom & noticed quite a bit of blood on my liner, and began to tremble. Within seconds the amount of blood I was loosing became evident. I tried to call for DH, but through my tears, it barely was barely a whisper. He heard my sobs and came to me. Showing him the mess of blood was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 

I cleaned up what I could, still shaking, and sobbing, then sat on the bathroom floor in complete shock.

Around 20 minutes later, I felt another gush, and saw my baby. It was more than I could handle. I started screaming for DH and he was holding me within seconds. It was over. This little life was no more. Pure devastation kicked in. Why wasn't my baby inside me anymore? I tried telling myself that what I was seeing wasn't real, but I knew better than that. Little Miss had followed DH up the stairs, and into the bathroom; I immediately tried to hide the mess, but I wasn't fast enough. Poor DH was in complete shock that he didn't either. When she saw the mess, she started saying "Yuck!" and "kean up!". He then grabbed her a left the room as quickly as he could.

I cleaned myself up, and what I could in the bathroom, any got back in bed. 

An hour later, I decided to get DH to bring me to the hospital. Never before I had I gone to the hospital with my previous miscarriages - My body has always delivered them naturally, and at home, for which I am actually very thankful for. Going in proved to be a waste of time, and just caused more heartache than anything. When I called my doctor before going in, I was told to bring the baby in with me so that they could confirm that I had passed everything. I remember actually saying "Are you serious?!". When I told my husband this, I saw a tinge of fear in his eyes. He took my hand and firmly said "Do not let them take the baby..". We've heard too many stories of babies being discarded as "medical waste" without the parents permission, and we certainly did not what that to happen to us. The doctor told me to place the baby in a baggy of "some sort" and to try to contain "as much of the pregnancy as possible". Hearing these words felt like a knife in my heart. After hanging up, I went to the kitchen, and rummaged through my cabinets, looking for small glass jar. I was not about to put my baby in a baggy. Though, I know some of you may have gasped when I mentioned the jar. What would you have done?

My husband has a medical kit, so with gloves on, I gently placed the baby, with placenta still attached, into the jar. You think reading that is hard? Try doing it.

I put the jar into a brown paper bag, and we were on our way.

I will never forget the feeling of sitting in the car on the way to the hospital. Sitting in my lap was that little brown paper bag, and I couldn't help but thinking about how wrong the situation was. My baby should be in my belly; warm, safe, and alive. Not in a jar. Not in my lap. I should have be driving to the hospital, months from then, with contractions ready to give birth to a beautiful baby. Instead, I was on my way to the hospital with contractions because my baby had died inside me. 

When I got to the hospital, I had to wait for my turn to see the triage nurse. I'm sure I looked pretty horrible. I know my eyes were black and swollen from crying so much. I was in a considerable amount of pain, so I wasn't walking properly either. Everyone that saw me either quickly looked the other way, or just stared. I felt like a freak.

I finally got called in to see the nurse. It was the most awkward feeling ever. She asked why I was there, and I said that I had just miscarried my baby. She then said "How do you know?" I must have given her one heck of a look, because she immediately shut up and starting writing. She then took my blood pressure, and checked my temperature. I wanted to say something along the lines of "I'm not sick, stupid! My baby died!" but I kept my mouth shut, and bit my tongue. I couldn't help but feel so bitter and angry. She then told me to have a seat in the waiting room. I could have hit her. Really? I have to wait? 

Just my luck, while I was waiting a very pregnant lady came in with obvious contractions. I wanted to scream. I couldn't help but think that coming was a horrible idea and wanted to go home. After 30 minutes of waiting, I was finally called in to see a doctor. He asked my medical history, so I told him about the multiple miscarriages. He then proceeded to say that I was a "habitual aborter". Thanks, that's exactly what a woman wants to hear in that position. After a quick examination he asked to see the "pregnancy remains" to which I said "Do you mean my baby?", he nodded awkwardly. After opening the jar, and taking a look, he asked he we would like him to "dispose of the waste". Imagine that. I said "No, we'd like to take our baby home and go from there." He seems surprised, but didn't question my decision. He asked if we would like the baby sent for testing, and we declined. Knowing why our baby died wouldn't change anything at that point, we knew that.

I had to wait another 2 hours while they waited for blood test results, that confirmed that I had miscarried - because apparently my word for it wasn't good enough..

Making the decision to go to the hospital is a complete regret of mine. It was horrible experience, and both DH and I wish we had decided otherwise at the time. What's done is done though..

I keep replaying that morning in my head, wondering why this happened. Anger takes over & I want so badly to scream. As of tomorrow, I would have been halfway through my pregnancy. I so vividly remember the halfway mark with Little Miss; what a joyous time this could have been..

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” 

-Romans 12:15

Lyrics | Jo Dee Messina lyrics - Bring On The Rain lyrics

Victoria

Over the years I've heard a few stories where people have claimed to have dreamt of their angel babies. I don't know why, but I've always doubted these stories meant anything; after all a dream is just your imagination, right? I'm ashamed to admit it, but I thought they were barely even believable..

Today was just a normal Sunday in our home. As we prepared for DH {dear husband} to head back to base hours away, I debated as to whether or not I should put DD {darling daughter} down for a nap. I'm always so torn; a few hours of rest, or a few extra hours with daddy? Turns out, our bodies decided for us, and both DD & I were struck with exhaustion at the same time. I decided to get in bed next to her, and told DH to wake me up after 20 minutes if I wasn't up yet.

Within minutes I was slowly falling asleep. While I wasn't quite completely asleep, I began what I assume was dreaming. It was strange, and I'm not sure I can give it justice through my words, but I'll try...

The dream consisted of almost nothing, and lasted no time at all. I saw five children sitting side by side on a white bench; everything around them was white. I say "everything" but I really mean nothing; there was nothing around them. On the far left sat who I assume was the oldest, and judging by the height, they went down in age to the youngest on the right. Though I couldn't see their faces, because they had their backs to me, I knew they weren't far apart in age - the youngest looking about 8 years old.

Everything about them was completely and utterly angelic - simply no doubt about it.

Their hair was a beautiful blond, that shone hints of red in the light that came from above. I couldn't tell whether they were boys or girls, but in the dream I didn't question that. They sat there wearing long white gowns, with no shoes. While they sat, I could see that they were having fun playing simple hand games with each other. The one furthest on the right, the youngest, then turned around and looked at me. She was perfect in every way imaginable. The most beautiful striking blue eyes, and a face sculpted to perfection. In that instant, I knew her name. It didn't just come to me, I just knew it as though I'd always known. Her name was Victoria. She smiled at me, and in that instant, I couldn't help but feel so entirely loved. 


I woke up with tears in my eyes. Did that really just happen? I can't explain what I felt at that moment. Whether it was an image sent from God himself, or something my mind fabricated I'll never know, but I do know the comfort it brought me. While I couldn't see the children, I knew they were mine. They were happy, safe, and together. I quickly tried to close my eyes again, praying to go back. Tears streaming down my face I went downstairs to find my husband and just clung to him. I finally stopped crying long enough to tell him about it. We sat in silence, and just held each other.

What really gets me, is that this morning while showering I had a small break down. My fourth miscarriage had never been confirmed (a long story). During my break down, of tears and shaking my fist towards the heavens, I prayed for my babies, I asked God if I would ever know exactly how many babies were waiting for me. I felt so sad for never really knowing the truth - The pain was there, I felt the loss, it just couldn't be confirmed.

I now know that the answer is five. We have five sweet angels waiting in heaven for us. The youngest, a beautiful blue eyes girl, named Victoria..

Yesterday I came across a short prayer, that really stuck with me; It was the prayer I said in the shower earlier this morning:

Dear Lord,

I would have loved to hold my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them in your lap and tell them about me?

In what seemed like 5 short seconds, I feel as though so many of our prayers had been answered. I feel so much comfort, and even joy from this dream. I feel as though when she looked at me and smiled, she knew me completely.
Again, whether this dream was a fabrication of my mind, or straight from God himself, I'll never know; either way it's helped me greatly, and at the end of the day, I will be continuing to thank God for all he does.

I would like to point out that never had DH and I ever considered, nor discussed Victoria as a name for any of our children. I've always thought of it as a beautiful name, but it was never on our list. We had also never intended to name any of our angel babies; it was something we decided on, together; after all it isn't very easy to name a child when you don't know their gender, let alone have had the chance to see their faces. We said we'd wait until we could meet them, just as if they were born alive to us. However, whether it has been by us, or by the grace of God, our precious baby number five, has been named Victoria.

Todays verse of the day

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.” Acts 20:24 

The Next Step..

On Monday morning, I started the next step in this journey of ours. At 10am I had an appointment in Ottawa at the Ottawa Fertility Center.

I'm not sure I can tell you exactly how I'm felt about this. A huge part of me was feeling happy, and singing praise; after 5 years we may finally get some answers. We had been praying for that day for so long. Another part of me was extremely nervous, anxious, and scared. What if the answers are worse than we expect? What if there are no answers? I'm not sure how we would handle that..

With my stomach in knots, I walked into the building not knowing what to expect. I didn't wait long before I was called in by who I thought was a nurse - My heart filled with sheer joy when she introduced herself as my doctor! These past weeks I just expected that my doctor would be a male, never did it even cross my mind to expect a female. I am so extremely pleased with her! She was wonderful, caring, and very thorough.

After answering an hours worth of questions, I was taken in for an examination, which included various uncomfortable procedures - I won't bother with the TMI on those! I will however tell you that one was so painful, that it literally left me sick to my stomach, and almost threw up on the spot. During my examination, Dr. K determined what I had already expected, and noticed an ovarian cyst on my right ovary. This will be verified & discussed at my next appointment when I have an ultrasound.

After my examination, I was sent to her assistant to go over the next steps. I can only think of one word to describe it; Overwhelming.

Over the next couple months, I have several tests that I need to complete. Some of them can be done whenever, and others need to be on specific days according my cycle. For instance, on the first day of my cycle, I have to call my doctors office, let them know, and schedule 2 ultrasounds. One is just a basic ultrasound, and the other won't be quite as simple. I'm actually dreading the second one entirely. I'm required to take antibiotics before hand, and was forewarned to take Advil beforehand to help with the pain involved.. On the 3rd day, I have to go in for blood work, and then back for more on the 21st day. Amidst all this, I have several other blood tests that also need to be taken care of, they just aren't cycle sensitive. There are a few other things I know I need to do, I just can't think of what they are, off the top of my head. Oye.

If anything, from all of this, I would at least like to know why my body hasn't been able to carry my precious angels. Only God knows whether or not we'll have another child. We don't plan on undergoing any extensive fertility treatments in order to become pregnant again, so I can tell you that we're praying hard for a simple fix (if there is such a thing..). Ah, here's to hoping!

Balancing Life & Loss

Oh, where to begin.. I can't tell you how hard it's been these past two months, to try to balance everything amidst this grief.

With my husband away, it's been my duty to maintain this household, care for and overactive toddler, run a business, deal with cremation arrangements {completely alone}, and attempt to care of myself in between all of that. I somehow managed; The "how" is beyond me.

I'll be honest though; there have been several days where I've found myself in my pyjama's all day, and only leaving the couch to tend to Little Miss. Feeding myself on most days hasn't even been a priority.
For the first month, I slacked so much in the business department. Any idea how hard it is to make jewelry for new mothers, after losing your own child? It was depressing and the thought alone was exhausting. Much to my sadness I did have a 2 customers lash out at me for my slowness. Dealing with it professionally wasn't the easiest thing to do, but I managed. Luckily the rest of my customers were extremely understanding & compassionate. I even received emails of condolence from many of my repeat customers, and a few from people who were just simply "fans" on Facebook. I'm happy to say though, that I am back on track, and up to date with everything (phew!).

Housework is a completely different story though. I've managed to keep the main area's up to par, but I'd die if anyone had a peak into my laundry corner in the basement, or if anyone stepped into my studio. Yikes! Now that I'm starting to feel like myself again, the thought of those area's makes me want to scream - What I'd give for a few quiet hours to take care of that..

All that being said, I'm surprised that I've been able to maintain life as well as I have, despite the breakdowns, and hard days. They say you never know how strong you are, until strong is the only choice you have; I can't tell you how right that is. Without my faith in God over these past months, I don't know where I'd be. The strength I've been able to find in myself is quite remarkable. I know that everything that happens in my life, happens for a reason. For months I've prayed for strength, and independence to deal with my husbands absence; While this isn't the way I had wanted to gain those qualities, I have been able to stand on my feet and handle what life has given me, in a way that I never would have suspected that I could..

Amazingly enough, here is today's scripture:

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; 

for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 

-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Be Still My Soul..

I may not have had the chance to hold my baby the way I wanted to, here on earth, but I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have held my baby at all. For a very brief moment in my life, I had the chance to love someone, beyond compare without ever seeing their face, or knowing their name. I have had the chance to experience an unconditional love so powerful, that words can't even describe it.
While my heart does still ache for my babies, I know that they are in the arms of God; what better place to be?

This past Friday, I made my final trip to the funeral home. Filled with absolute dread, I didn't sleep the night before. I was incredibly antsy, and very emotional. I've never had to do this before; I didn't know what to expect, or how I would react emotionally at the time. I did prepare myself though, I knew this would be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I woke up Friday morning, showered, put my face on, and did my hair. For some reason, and I certainly can't tell you why, I felt the need to look my best. Don't ask, because I honestly don't have an answer for you.. Put Little Miss in a pretty dress, and we were on our way. No turning back now, right?

Pulling into the long driveway of the funeral home, I felt anxious, and nervous. Much to even my surprise, I held my own. I had to catch my breath when I was handed the tiny urn though; I hadn't remembered just how tiny it really was. When you think about new babies, you think about tiny clothes, and tiny shoes; not tiny urns. It's a devastating thing to even think about. I was then handed a cremation certificate, which I was not expecting at all. Did I really need one more thing saying "Baby McNair"? I quickly put it into the velvet bag, I was given, without even looking at it.

When I got back to the car, my hands were shaking. I felt the need to open the envelope and look at the certificate. It wasn't an easy thing to read. I then took a peak at the urn sitting in the velvet bag, with "March 8, 2012 - Tiny footprints on our hearts" engraved on it, and at that very moment I felt at ease. I can't explain it, nor will I try. I suddenly felt calm & together. I took one last look at the beautiful Victorian funeral home, and felt relief. It was over.

When we arrived home, I did let out a few tears when things finally sunk in, but I wasn't in pain anymore. This summer we intend to release the ashes at a place that we hold dear to us; Our baby is in heaven, there is no need for us to hold on to ashes.

Of course, my heart will always ache for my babies in heaven, but knowing they are with the Lord, eases that pain greatly. One day, I'll have the chance to meet them, give them names, and hold their hands. I can live with that..

I Will Carry You..

I can't put into words how bad my heart aching today. Just when I feel like I'm going to be okay, my emotions get the best of me, and I turn into a blubbering fool. Yesterday while driving home from doing the groceries, I had to pull over & stop the car. It's amazing what simple words in a song on the radio can do to a broken heart..

A friend sent me a link to this song today. Head in my hands, I cried for a good hour. My sweet princess came to my side and gently rubbed my shoulders while holding onto me. I honestly don't know where I'd be without that precious smile of hers.. She is my biggest reason to believe in miracles..

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Today I got the call from the Fertility Center 2 hours from home. While this is an answered prayer, I feel like the journey ahead of us will still be a hard one. Amidst everything, I still continue to pray for answers, hope, and strength..

Hard Days, & Even Harder Decisions

Fair warning; this will be an extremely difficult post for me to write. Please excuse any spelling or grammar errors, as I don't know whether or not I'll be able to read it over.

Today I decided to do something that we've been putting of for over a month now. I knew it would be hard, and oh boy, was it ever. These are the kind of days where I wish the Mr. could be home with me. I never imagined I'd have to do this, let alone having to do it by myself. Putting it off was very easy, but facing it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

After we lost our precious baby last month, we knew we had to do something with the remains. Simply discarding our child as "medical waste" or having a mass burial through the hospital was not an option whatsoever. After thinking long and hard, we came to agreement that cremation seemed like the best idea for us. After calling around to several funeral homes, I was thankful to find a select few that would not charge for services when cremating a baby, but they were all out of town. Just typing those words brings tears to my eyes. I did manage to find one locally though..

Let me back track a little - A week or so before our loss, a friend and I went driving so I could practice for my road test, since I needed to get my license before the Mr. left. While trying to read the hand-drawn map of the route, I managed to get a little off track, and ended turning around in a funeral home parking lot that I had no idea existed. Remembering that beautiful Victorian building, I decided I'd give them a call. I'm glad that I did - Not that any person would be "glad" in this position..

I spoke with the Director a couple weeks ago, but still managed to put off going through with anything. He had such a kind, caring voice. He was so understanding of our loss. I know that this is their job, but he genuinely cared about our grief, and went out of his way to help me.

Today I decided that I needed to go in and make arrangements for the cremation, and pick out an urn. My heart aches just thinking about it.

When I walked into the beautiful building, I felt so overwhelmed. I had no idea where to go, and of course, I couldn't remember the name of the man I had spoken with. I couldn't help but notice how beautifully decorated it was, and the beautiful fountain that greeted me at the front door.

After wandering around for a minute or so, I was greeted by a kind face, as soon as he spoke, I know that was who I was looking for. I simply said, "We spoke a couple weeks ago in regards to cremation.." He looked at me with sad eyes, and said "Let me take you to my office, Melissa.". He remembered my name; just like that. Tears immediately started running down my face. We sat down and discussed what would happen, and then I was taken to pick out an urn.

I can't even put into words how walking into that room made me feel. Tiny caskets and urns filled a small wall; just the sight of it knocked the wind out of me. I immediately noticed a beautiful little pewter urn, with lovely simple engravings on it, and room to have anything else engraved on it, should we desire. I knew it was the one. I knew my husband would be happy with my decision, but I used the fact that I needed his approval as an excuse to put off buying it. The thought of having to bring it home, and wait just devastated me. Nobody should ever have to purchase an urn that tiny...

Needless to say, today has been an emotional one. I'm exhausted, and really just need a hug from my husband..

What Not To Say..

A few weeks ago while searching forums for dealing with grief, I came across a website, with 10 things you should never say to a miscarriage survivor. You can find that article, here.
As much as I hate to say it, I've heard them all, and more.

The two comments that really irk me, are numbers 2, and 9. "Be grateful for the children you have" or "At least you have kids". These comments could easily result with someone having a black eye. Fair warning. Yes, I am extremely grateful for my precious daughter; I literally wake up each morning and thank God for such an amazing gift. After the struggle we had to finally have her, I don't take a moment with her for granted. Before we were blessed with her, I did struggle with the thought of never having children. Being told it was next to impossible, didn't leave much hope. I can honestly tell you that seeing women with children, or pregnant women made my heart ache. I was jealous, angry, and sometimes quite bitter. I can completely understand how someone with fertility struggles can think "well, at least you have a child.." - That being said, that doesn't change that fact that my other babies are not with me. Each day I find myself wondering what they'd be like or who they'd look like. I wonder what my life would be like if they had be given the chance to walk on this earth, so I could hold their tiny little hands. My heart aches for them, constantly. Not a day goes by that I don't think what if..

Then there is number 9. As the original poster said, you NEVER get used to it. Ever. That's it, that's all.

Fact of the matter is, people just don't know how to react. I posted the link on Facebook to share, and comment prompted the question, 'Whatshould you say?" Well, just think for a moment.. What would you say to a woman who lost her 2 month old baby, 5 year old, or 20 year old? You'd say "I am sorry for your loss.". That's what you should say. Don't ever call that woman's child a fetus, don't ever comment on how far along she was, or ask, and goodness gracious, don't you eversay any of the 10 things posted in that article.

Don't treat it like a taboo subject; don't avoid bringing it up, because you'll end up making her feel like it's making you uncomfortable; like it doesn't matter. Most of time, you'll find that she just wants to talk and share her feelings. Listen, and be a friend. Offer compassion, and a prayer. It's really that easy...

Well.. Here It Is..

I really don't even know how I should write, or even start this post. I've been wanting to write it for quite some time now, but the words don't write themselves, and they certainly aren't easy ones to type.

In the past I've hinted about out struggles when it comes to having children. I always refer to our precious daughter as our little miracle, and every now and then, I'll even mention how long it took for us to finally have her. Well, to those wondering, here are the details. Very few people know them, and I've even managed to keep most of this from our families. Why have I kept quiet for all these years? Honestly, because (and I know I'm not the only one..) I have felt ashamed, and broken; Like I was less of a woman because I can't have children as easily as most women.

When my husband and I got married, at barely 18 & 19, we decided to leave our hands in God's and trust in His timing when it came to having children. I had always known that I wasn't "normal" and knew that babies wouldn't come easily for us, so it wasn't a difficult decision for us to make. Of course, we didn't share this with many people because of our age. Seriously though, what would you say to someone married at 18 about having kids? Don't worry, we heard it all anyways, despite keeping our plans to ourselves.

In June 2008, I had my first miscarriage. I was so shocked. I mean, I knew this sort of thing happened, but, to me? I did my fair share of research, and found out that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. At the time, this fact helped me get through it. We really weren't sure how to handle the situation, and kept it to ourselves. How do you even bring that up in conversation? "Hi there, just wanted to let you know that I was pregnant, but now I'm not..." Not exactly something that just pops out of your mouth.

At this point we were starting to get frustrated, and scared that we'd never be blessed with children. This was extremely hard to face, and weighed heavily on out hearts. The following year, in April I was hospitalized due to a ruptured ovarian cyst. This is when a very kind doctor told me that my chances of conceiving were slim to none. Pure devastation. I had suspected it all along, but never did I want to hear those words. He said that my first miscarriage had probably been the result of my body rejecting the pregnancy. How's that for feeling broken?

Much to our surprise, just two weeks after hearing those words, two little pink lines showed up on a home pregnancy test. With a much guarded hope, the weeks & months passed wonderfully. 9 months later, our precious darling daughter was born. What a sweet, perfect little blessing.

We laughed, naive, thinking our struggles were over. We had been given an amazing gift; a perfect little miracle! We thought we were invincible. That bubble was burst months after our daughter was born, when I had a second miscarriage. Then, months after that, the third. I assumed my body just wasn't ready yet. Again, we kept to ourselves.

I had found comfort in talking to others in similar situations. It was nice to openly discuss my angel babies with others, and the pain, anger, and frustration that goes along with it. I felt to ashamed to tell anyone who hadn't shared similar experiences. What if they'd think it was because of something I did wrong? What if they looked at me like I was less of a woman because of it? What if my family looked down on my for not being able to provide my husband with children? I just didn't know how to handle those thoughts..

In October of 2011, I had my 4th miscarriage.  I can honestly tell you that this didn't come as a surprise to us.

There isn't really much more to say about our 5th loss. My heart is still aching, just as it does for all of our children in heaven. I just had so much hope this time around. It seemed like we were being blessed with a second miracle when things progressed so well.. Never had I before been able to see my babies via Ultrasound, other than with little Miss, let alone see a wonderful little heart beating. So far, this has been the worst for us. While they have all been painful, I feel as though this time around we've completely lost hope. I don't think I have the strength to go through this again. Only God knows if I'll ever have another child, but all we can do is pray.

I'll never be able to meet or hold my babies on this side of Heaven, but I miss them with each passing day.

“For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all people. This has now been witnessed to at the proper time.” -1 Timothy 2:5-6 

Struggling

Today I find myself struggling. There is no simpler way to put it. My heart is aching; I feel lonely, sad, and frustrated. I guess that sums up most days lately though..
This morning I said goodbye to my other half. He'll be home every now & then, but he wont be home for good, for another 5 months. That alone brings on so many uncontrollable emotions.

That being said, tonight I'll be praying for peace, and comfort. The good man upstairs surely knows I could use both of those right now.

“For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him,” 

-Philippians 1:29

Heartbroken

There are simply no words to describe this pain and anguish. Today is what should have been a wonderful day. A day to celebrate a wonderful new life. The Mr. & I were hoping to announce that Little Miss was finally going to become a big sister. What wonderful news to share.

Last Monday, we had seen a perfect growing baby, with a breathtaking little heartbeat. Just a few days later, that was all taken away from us.

What seems like ages ago now, we found out the wonderful news. I had never really prepared myself to hear those words again, after all, Little Miss was our miracle. That poor doctor must have thought I was absolutely insane when I burst into tears, barely even able to say two words. The amount of joy that filled my heart when I shared the news with my husband was simply amazing. It was perfect. The timing was wonderful. He would finish his training in August, we'd move in September, and be blessed with a new baby in October. However, life can change in an instant.

A few days after finding out the news, I was back in the hospital with severe abdominal pain. Fearing the worst, I prepared myself. I was told it was possibly a tubal pregnancy. Reduced to nothing but tears, I had to wait until the following day for an emergency ultrasound. The ultrasound didn't show much, but it did prove that baby was where he or she should be. So much comfort to an aching heart. The kind doctor requested to have my monitored every 48 hours afterwords to see if my hormone levels were increasing as they should. My levels were increasing, slowly but surely. A second ultrasound proved baby was growing well, and right on time. Our joy began to grow, and our hearts were filled with so much excitement. By this time I was already experiencing morning sickness, extreme fatigue, and even had a rash on my arm that I had only ever had during my pregnancy with Alivia. You know, the little things that make it all seem more real. Later, a third ultrasound would show a perfect little heartbeat. Tears filled my eyes as we watched in awe; That tiny miraculous being was growing inside me. What sweet perfection.

Two days later, through the night, that was all taken from us.

I have a long way to come before I can say that I'm "okay". Our hearts are aching, but we continue to push through each day. What other choice do we have? Maybe one day we'll be blessed with another miracle. Only God knows, so until then, we'll continue to trust in Him.

There is no foot print so small that it does not leave an imprint on this world, or in out hearts. 

Rest in perfect peace my sweet angel. ♥